The Most Valuable Coupon Book

I’m writing something now (a journal entry) that I will put in my Blog – Provincial View (I have two blogs).  I have not written in there for a long time, but there’s something on my mind this evening that I think is beautiful and lovely, and I want to record it, and possibly share it with anyone who wants to read it.

I just finished dropping the girls off at their mom’s after their having spent the past several days with me. This is our Sunday evening routine – take them back to Mom’s at 6:00 PM. It’s always a bit of a challenging time for me, that sudden and precipitous change from loads of activity, stimulus (over-stimulus?), noise, laughs, smiles, and occasional firmness and – as I notice while writing – certainty of my role in life to them being absent.

I can’t help but notice the change unless I’m distracted with some overlapping activity, or doing something to purposefully numb myself. That’s usually not the case, so Sunday evenings tend to have a bit of a melancholy feel to them. I wonder if they sometimes feel a little of that (I don’t show my feeling on this to them, and besides, don’t really have that feeling until a few minutes after I’ve dropped them off)?

Tonight, however, I’m recalling something really special about them that I think I will remember for a long time. At least I hope so, and I know that by writing about it, all the more so will I remember.

Feeling Needy

A friend of mine contacted me last night, first by IM, then calling me. She was feeling some angst about this recently started relationship with a man whom she is particularly attracted. She's only been going out with him a short while, and it seems the relationship had ramped up quickly in some respects, while still remaining ambiguous in others. I won't get any more specific about that, but she was fretting over whether to call him or not on this particular evening. At one point she confessed, "Oh, I hate this. I hate this feeling of being 'needy'".

It seemed pretty clear from all she had told me that her desire for him (whether based on really knowing him or based more on the "idea of him", who can say?) outweighed his desire for her. Yeah, that is not a great feeling. We've all been there at one time or another. The movie "He's Just Not That Into You" does a nice job of pictorializing this scenario. The desirous person frequently checks their phone to see if it's working, if there was a missed call. The person considers calling the other, and if they do, maybe the call is not answered, creating even more anxiety. On and on it goes. Yes, that is "neediness", and it tends to feed on itself.

A few months ago I was in a relationship where I was stuck in this role. How did I get there? What did I do, or neglect in myself that allowed me to get in that place? While it might be part of life and living to be in that place of pining for someone, it's not a good place to stay for long. It's just not what I would consider healthy.

When my friend told me she didn't want to appear "needy" to this guy, my advice to her was: don't think about how you appear; instead think more about how you are. So, in her case, I simply told her, "Don't be needy". She agreed that this made sense, and sort of went off on her way (we talked a little about how to not "be" needy before we ended the conversation).

I thought a little more about how to not be needy, especially since I had been in that unwelcome position not long ago, and her immediate dilemma had remided me of this.

It was a bit of a coincidence that earlier in the day I had experienced the pleasure of attending the "Author's Breakfast" at one of my twin daughters' classrooms. At the breakfast, each of the second grade students read a story they had written during the school year at the "Writer's Workshop". I had been a volunteer all year long at this, coming in once a week to help the young writers with their stories - suggesting ideas when they were stuck, presenting some word choice options, helping with spelling, or simply reading thier works in progress and providing some words of encouragement. The Author's Breakfast was a real pleasure, as I had the chance to reflect on the year and think of how I'd gotten to know some of these kids, and how little bits of "me" actually were woven into some of their stories (hmm, a bit of Narcissism here...). At the end of the "breakfast", the teacher sanctioned a little "thank you" moment where myself and my fellow parent-volunteers were recognized for our service over the past year, and we received a little note attached to a single rose.

I left the event feeling so fulfilled. Even as I was leaving a few of the kids came up to me and kidded around with me, or asked me to comment on their story, just little connections between us (of course, my own daughter gave me big hugs and kisses goodbye as I was leaving, too). It was a sweet moment, even as I reflected on the realization that the school year would soon be over, and I might not even see this class group together again.

I said I felt "fulfilled". That is nearly the polar opposite of feeling "needy". As I was making my latte this morning, I thought about these two feelings and how they are in many ways juxtaposed. I was recalling my advice to my friend of not "being needy". Then it dawned on me - one sure way to not be "needy" is, instead, to be "needed". Or, at the very least, "feel" needed.

How do we do that? That's easy to answer. We give of ourselves. We volunteer, we offer our services to someone in need. We help someone with something where our abilities and/or resources exceed theirs at that moment for that particular need. This can take so many forms, it just requires a little imagination and initiative. It can be a simple as offering a few kind words and a smile to the guy behind the counter at the bagel shop, or as profound as enrolling for a short term mission somewhere overseas. The main thing is getting out of our little world and experiencing others' worlds to gain a broader perspective. Having the opportunity to see that, no matter how bad we might thing our situation is, there are others who have it much worse. We are reminded that each of us has something to give, something to share, that will make another person's day a little bit better.

Try it the next time you feel "needy", or even a little bit down. It will be hard to pick yourself up and think you can offer anything during such times, but you can. The sense of restoration will come later (it's not immediate), and you will be glad you did. Plus, the world will be a little bit better of a place for your efforts.